Sometimes being with a fu*ktard can fu*k up your mind
Dear me (& anyone else going through this),
You need to fix up. Point blank period. I'm going to tell you why because betch you deserve better. We've been through it all, ups and many downs. It's taken a lot of blood, sweat, and tears for you to get to this point. Soul searching, alcohol drinking, bible reading, girl talking, praying, cussing and speaking into the atmosphere. But you are here and you're still standing.
Well done you *sips a drink* but that doesn't mean the work is done, if anything it's just starting *sighs*. In order to continuously grow and become a better person, God will push you, protect,love and guide the path made out for you. Some of the situations you will understand, and some will punch you right in your gut that you can't breathe. It takes a lot of faith and patience sometimes because you don't know everything and you're not supposed to! That's the part of life that we all love whether we want to admit it or not it's the unknown, it's the mysteriousness, regardless of the scientific breakthroughs, psychological theories, the debates, what we've learned from history, we are continuously evolving, and you are too.
I am not the same woman I was at 25 and thank fu*k you're not! But one thing you never seemed to change was your poor choice in the men you chose to be with. Let's be real, there have been so many downs aka idiotic people aka fucktards that you chose to give your time, love, and affection too. Listen to me carefully you...chose.
Yes you did, don't come with excuses, take another sip of drink if you need to but own your shit. You have made it a habit, to go for people that you knew weren't exactly 100% together, you thrived on the fact that you could "fix" or "elevate" the people that you were with because deep down it gave you a purpose within the relationship. When it was clear to you what their flaws were and some have so many I don't know what the fuck you saw in them to begin with betch you must have been either hella bored or lonely during the winter, even though you KNEW that it would be a complete waste of your time, you wanted to prove yourself wrong. Do you know how ridiculous that is? Don't slap yourself because like I've said we have come a far way betch and we've already forgiven ourselves...it's OK.
Because you have such a huge heart, you have put others before you. You placed their happiness and needs before your own because that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship right?
The more you did that, you ended up forgetting about yourself. Your needs, what you deserve, where the relationship was going, why you was still there.
The relationship became stagnant, you were miserable but you didn't say anything...not directly to the person who was in the relationship. But what a way you could bitch to your friends about it! You would be able to offload your problems to them so easily, that sometimes it will spew out of your mouth without you needing to draw for a single breath but you felt that you needed that rant and release. You thought talking about it to someone else would make you feel better and it did...for that moment. But the problem never went away because you didn't bring it up with the person you should have.
But let's not act like you are silent because one thing you are not is quiet..let's be real. But what you got confused is that it's OK to be vulnerable. You've confused your strength with your inability to admit that you are human, you need comfort and reassurance just like everyone else. You have happily given it to other people without question but who does that for you? If you can't find security in the person you chose to share your life with that my darling is not a productive or loving relationship, just saying. When you did choose to open your mouth and finally stand up for yourself, you would get this perplexed look of "where did that come from?" it would lead to arguments and mostly the reason why this person would be incapable of understanding your viewpoint was because you never made it clear from the beginning what your expectations of your relationship were, you never held them accountable for those things, you overcompensated and gave 150% of your love and affection to someone that wouldn't even fart on you sometimes.
But we thank God that you are no longer in those relationships *yaaassssss*. I thank God that sometimes even though it literally broke your heart and you questioned if it was the right thing to do, it made you feel like complete shit, you were unhappy and there was a lot anger within you because we know you're not a fan of crying...at...all, you knew that you had to walk away. Sometimes you needed the help of God and the harsh talk from your friends and family to pull you away from some of the relationships you were with because your ass is stubborn.
I vowed to myself in 2016 in my blog "No Di*kcstrations In 2016" that I wouldn't pursue a relationship and IF and WHEN God put someone in my life when they saw fit, it wasn't something that I would actively pursue because you vowed to pursue some of your life long dreams. 2016 has been an AMAZING year for you so far thanks to reading Shonda Rhimes "Year of Yes" book that's exactly what it has been for you!
But remember what you said at the beginning, you need to fix up. Not to disregard all the hard work and things you have achieved but I'm hard on myself, I'm my biggest critic because I hate complacency.
Without realising you've become accustomed to being treated like shit, you've become comfortable with your needs and wants in a relationship not being worked on by your partner or them even take an interest, you're used to being the person giving 150% even though the person didn't deserve jack shit. Because you've hidden it behind the fact that you're an alpha female, you're a boss, you take the lead but in truth you gave away your power and you did it so easily so you tried to get the control in whatever way you could!
But you ARE worth it...and so much more! You deserve more than your mind has even dreamt or thought about. None of this superficial social media relationships we haven't got time for that. You deserve to be so happy that you show ALL of your teeth, you smile so much that you are glowing *not pregnancy glow calm down* and you find someone that makes you realise that you are worthy and enough. That you are amazing not because of the things that you do FOR them but because of who you are.
I'm grateful and humbled that you've found someone that's made you realise this even though it's still early days and you don't know what will happen, you take each day as it goes and enjoy! Do not allow past relationships, bullshit, insecurities fester because you have a wonderful, loving, amazing, hard working attentive person in your life *thank God and buss a praise dance* that shows you every day that they are invested and prioritising you!
Let this be a reminder that you are awesome betch!
Kisses and Bumflicks
I encourage you all remember how amazing and awesome individuals that you are, love yourself first in order for you to love others!
Send me a lil' kiss and bumflick by clicking the heart below and drop me a comment below!
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