This is for all for every single #Renegade out there fighting insecurities....I LOVE YOU!
Let's be clear. I've been a thickems all of my life. There's no denying it & trust me I've spent many years of my life trying to avoid this fact. The only time I was skinny was when I was born 6 pound 6 ounces of awesomeness! Looking back at my childhood pictures I've been going out with my pudge (what nowadays I've heard referred to as a FUPA thanks to Basketball Wives which stands for Fat Upper Pussy Area) throughout my ENTIRE life. It's the longest relationship I've been in come to think of it. That's so flipping sad but #KissMyAssSoWhat
Primary School was great for me but I also remember fondly to this day that I was bullied because of my weight. I was one of the biggest girls within my year group all the way until college and this one particular prick who was in the year above me in Primary that would make references about my weight. At first he would say that it was just a joke but a betch weren't laughing, then the jokes became daily digs & insecurity tapped me on the shoulder & introduced itself and never left. The thing I hated the most was that I allowed him to take my voice from me, looking back I wish that I had told this bully about his dry top lip, his yellow teeth & his poor body odour. But I allowed this stranger to make me feel bad about my appearance, I was already conscious and aware that I wasn't the same size as my peers so this idiot didn't help the situation!
Fast forward to today-ish and what I wanted to talk about is, that its easy to see people talk about "loving yourself" but funnily never tell you how. I mean...it's great to say you love yourself but when you've spent so long doing the opposite it isn't an easy step to take. You can stand in front of a mirror and say positive affirmations to yourself, your thoughts, what you want but if you have no conviction behind the words you are blowing hot air out of your mouth. Let's be honest, its hard to love stretch marks, cellulite, back fat.. the list is endless especially when social media shoves it down your throat that all of those things are ugly, turn-offs for men and make you feel like some alien in your own body. If you've ever felt like your own body is working against you then you will know what I am talking about.
Those of you that have read my previous blog about "What Doctors Never Tell You About Suffering With PCOS" you will understand that my weight gain has been a mix of my hormones working against me but it's also been because I like food.
Let's make one thing clear I like food....but I don't spend all of my day eating food. People will see thickems like myself & assume that we eat, sleep and shit inside of a fast food restaurant. To be honest I actually don't like fast food & I certainly don't eat it regularly. Because diabetes runs in my family, I have made a conscious effort to be very aware of what I put in my body seeing my grandparents suffer with diabetes I knew from early that I didn't want that life for myself. But I'm not going to act like I'm some Elf from Lord Of The Rings that just eats green food and is healthy all the time that would be a lie. But let's not act like I'm the Nutty Professor out here, respect my life.
I wanted to let you guys know that I understand. Even 29 years later I have made a commitment to not speak negatively to myself, after so many years of wishing that I was skinnier, didn't have stretch marks and back rolls I realised that I was missing out on all the things that I DO HAVE. It's easier to compliment others but sometimes you have to say something positive about yourself, if it means that you have to get over-dressed to go to Tesco than so be it, if it means that you learn a new make up technique then DO IT and be the queen of slaying your face, if it means that you treat yourself for no damn reason (you should be anyway its the Year Of Lavish) or use whatever method you have to then so be it.
If you are that upset about your weight then you have to work out & change your diet to lose weight. Complaining and beating yourself out about it whilst you sit on your couch eating biscuits isn't going to change your weight, if anything it does the opposite thing....I'm just saying. But don't feel compelled to do it because every else is and certainly NOT because of social media. Listen Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat doesn't pay your bills, offer you friendship, give you food, wash your vagina, so do not let that affect you in any way shape or form. I'm not saying not to use social media to motivate you but all within the right context. Working out is flipping long...I know this. Working out takes a lot of motivation...you damn skippy. Working out hurts...it's supposed to! But irrespective of doing solely for losing weight, the endorphins kick in and actually makes you feel better! You know nothing beats seeing your jeans get less tight, your fitness improve and you feeling better about yourself.
The reason why I call you guys my #Renegades is because I pride myself in being someone that doesn't always follow the rules. Fuck the rules. Fuck the standards of beauty. Think of yourself as Baby from Dirty Dancing and like Patrick Swayze said in the film "nobody puts Baby in the corner" you weren't meant to blend in with everyone else. It's easy to see the women and bodies that we wanted or aspire to have but don't forget to look and appreciate your own!
Being a thickems has NEVER stopped me from doing anything, it doesn't stop my writing, doesn't stop me going out, and it certainly doesn't stop me having boyfriends so really and truly...my body is a blessing. Your body is also your responsibility. Never forget that. When you are with the RIGHT man they will never refer to your weight or physical appearance to make you feel insecure. If they do, it should never be to make you feel guilty for weight gain or weight loss it's about you being healthy but also do feel the need change your physical appearance for a man..ever..in...your...life. Sometimes you will like a man and he won't like you back & that's OK it's their loss anyway you keep it cute and keep it moving! You will have guys that will love the very things that you will hate about yourself, will kiss your stress marks, stroke your cellulite and rub on your back rolls like crazy!
Insecurities do not go away over night and certainly not because of anyone else but yourself. 29 years later I am still battling mine but I've realised that it is a working progress. Insecurity and I have had a toxic relationship for a very long time, it has seeped it's way into many of my personal and professional relationships if I ever met insecurity on a street you would think I would want to beat the shit out of it, but more than anything I would let it know that we can no longer be friends, I have grown up, I have changed, I can't say that it's been fun that's a lie because its been hell. It's been hard, it's been lonely, it has cut past my skin, muscle and to my very bone marrow, there's been many tears, times I've been angry with my damn self, obsessed over other women, wish I had a different life/body, gone to the gym, not gone to the gym, gone on a diet then failed miserably, hated having the burden of PCOS, doubted when really good looking men have shown interested in me and not said not to myself enough that I am beautiful and I am more than enough.
Your stretch marks, cellulite, dark spots, eczema, acne whatever you may suffer from is part of you being a woman! Your are human and my queens you are beautiful. Even the prettiest of women have insecurities and imperfections, there is no perfect woman, we are all made in God's image and you need to find the God in you!
The sexiest thing that you can have and will attract people to you is not your breasts and/or a huge bum it's your confidence.
You need to walk down the street that no matter or what is said to you...you do not let it affect you in the slightest. You slay betch and be lavish. You keep smiling, being positive, and even if someone does say something to make you doubt yourself, because it will happen you never let them see that they've got to you. If someone does personally attack you then defend yourself, not physically because we don't have time for jail but you guys know that I'm slick with my tongue. It's easy for people to take jabs at your weight but remember that you can lose or gain weight at any given time that's the beauty of it and I will be petty as hell and comment on something about them for them to know how it feels and I come guns blazing, I don't even draw for breath when I am defending myself I will deliver the Eli Pope of all monologues about their bitch ass too because I DON'T LIKE BULLIES.
In the last few months I'm proud to say that I've lost over a stone largely due to changing eating habits and drinking water like my life depended on it. Sure I have to run to the toilet like I have no bladder at all, there are times that I indulge in a treat or 2 and you know I love a tall glass of alcohol even with my lightweight self. But I am aware that my food changes are not a 90 day diet plan, or Fit-Tea promotion it's something that I will have to do for the rest of my life. Besides I want to enjoy food, I want to eat ice-cream and waffles and not feel bad for it but I also know that it's not something that I can have every day either. I will never have the body of a supermodel but I will wear what I want because I can and I'm the one paying for my damn clothes in the first place! If people don't like that they can take their judgmental eyes somewhere else or I will gladly poke them in the eye if need be. My #YearOfLavish has just begun and it has to start with me and how I think about myself so I hope that you are all doing the same because you truly are awesome and you have one life don't waste it wishing you were someone else!
I want you all to make a vow to work on your insecurities every single day and if you want drop a comment below with something that you do love about yourself!
Kisses & Bumflicks