12 Years A Bae
We've all got that one bae....that one person that no matter how many times we cuss them out, we try to get over, we swear we would never speak to again on everything we own but before we know it they are in our bed and we are lying there after the greatest sex of your LIFE thinking...
See mine was a little different and a lot more complicated. Not only was he someone that I was in a sticky "situationship" with, we had a very close friendship.
Looking back I've realised that's where I fucked up, because I equated the sexual relationship and the friendship in the same glass and I was drinking that shit up! Even though we never officially had a "title" or ever in an official relationship, I foolishly thought that because we were FRIENDS that were obviously attracted to each other and we had been (claps hands) through (claps) some (claps) real (claps) life (claps) things together....that we had some type of understanding...right?
I was sugarcoating our shit with sprinkles of excuses. NO I wasn't his girlfriend BUT we went church together, met the family, whenever I was sick due to PCOS...he would be there with food, water and watch me sleep, supported each others business ventures, the list was endless. But at the end of the day....shit is still shit and I couldn't get the stench out of my nose no matter what we did together or how I felt about him.
Every time that we stopped having sex (this was especially hard to do when the sex was the BOOM DIGGITY and they hit your intestines) it was because I told him that I didn't want to no more. And being my friend, he would respect my wishes but the issue was we had a pattern, we would go quiet for a few months, then the sexual hints would start on WhatsApp, then the naughty pictures on Snapchat (he had a great body and beautiful, long *cough*), next he would be knocking at my front door as he was "in the area and wanted to see me" even though he lived 15 minutes away from me, but even though my ass knew this I would open my door to him each and every time.
And this was our game for many....many years. We would start, then stop, get into relationships, when we broke up we be right back in my bed and I'm there looking at him and my life like
"Delia-Rene what are you doing?"
Eventually I realised that it was time for THAT conversation. The conversation that we had been avoiding for years, our friends had been waiting for us to have because they didn't understand why we were STILL fucking around (excuse the pun) and I couldn't keep doing this, especially in my 30's where I vowed to myself that I would treat myself better and not make the same mistakes that I did within my twenties and considering we had been doing this dance for over 15 years...it was overdue like unpaid rent.
SO.... after praying about it and psyching myself up in a mirror like Issa in Insecure, I sent him a text message explaining my feelings, what I wanted and that I wanted to know if he felt the same. Now..disclaimer DELIA-RENE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HER FEELINGS AND BE VULNERABLE. On a scale of 1-10 I would rate that shit on about 1000000000 with the power of 10 on top. I'm sensitive OK, kiss my ass so what! I don't like to admit it and I certainly do not like to be rejected...I will kill a man. So you can imagine how big a deal this was for me and to be so open to him of ALL people.
As much as I wanted hulk smash myself for even sending the text, I knew that it had to be done. I needed to know even if it was the answer that I didn't want, that could possibly have me calling the queen Viola to help me clear up his dead body.
The text lead to a very...very....very...long conversation on the phone and do you know what I realised when speaking to him?
The main thing I realised was...he was NOT the man I thought he was. Those some red flags that I had purposely ignored was up front and centre for me to see and I couldn't believe it and I was utterly disappointed. NOW that's not to put all the blame on him because I facilitated and ALLOWED the bullshit myself, let's be real he didn't force me to do anything and I was a willing participant each and every time, but I clouded everything because of our friendship, but to hear him some of the most dumbest shit I have ever heard, had me sitting in my bed and looking at my phone like
But that's the thing with clarity...it takes away the rose coloured glasses and you can't argue with the truth..or their truth! I can't lie I wanted to reach into my phone and literally choke the SHIT out of him for some of the things he said, and I did in fact call him out on some of the BS that he tried to give me because....I'm not one to be played with. But this is what I prayed for and this is what I wanted to know sooooo we thank God for answering prayers. Even though during that moment, I was hurt,embarrased, angry and heated....it was necessary because I finally got my answer.
Sometimes instead of looking at a situation with someone for what it is....you need to also realise what it ain't!
There's a reason why you AIN'T his girlfriend.
There's a reason why he hasn't asked you to be his woman/girlfriend/wife.
There's a reason why you're not getting the relationship that you wanted.
There's a reason why you feel that you deserve more despite all the "talks" that you have had and him saying that he "appreciates" you.
You have to cut the talk and see the action, we often think because we open up to someone that they "must know" how we are feeling and one day they're going to look at us and say that we are the one and we're going to live happily ever after, get married and make a bunch of babies. But as annoying as men can be...most REAL MEN are straight up with their intentions and you can see through their actions. If they are serious about you....it's not going to be just talk, if they're serious about you...they will be consistent, if they're serious about you....they will have no issue with being honest on how they feel about you/what future they want with you/and what they want for themselves. They will be respect and constantly mindful of their responsibility within the relationship, the work that they need to do and the need to always be truthful with you so that you both grow.
Because I can tell you for FREE that it's not a nice feeling to realise that you wasted YEARS and good VAGINE on someone that you didn't need to, that they're not the person you thought they was, and the future that you have replayed in your mind over and over again is gone like a fart in the wind. BUT....it means that you can now move forward, you can rebuild yourself, dust off your shoulders and be open to new possibilities!
Because we DAMN SURE don't have time to be 12 years a Bae with no...damn....body!
Don't sway from what you deserve, don't settle for anything LESS than you deserve, have high standards and regard for yourself and if someone thinks that you ask for "too much" then they are not the person for you, point blank period. Do NOT pass "go"...do NOT collect £200.
Because at the beginning, middle and the end of the day YOU MATTER!